| Its funny, every time I get very sad, i keep coming back to this site.. to just simply post how pathetic i feel or how I feel the world owes me something I clearly will never earn...
Last October I met a nice girl by the name of Vanessa.. we hit it off almost instantly, had lots of things in common, enjoyed each others company greatly and simply just fell for each other over night.. This i what i had been waiting for! It felt like this girl would be something out of my dreams, a sexy, intelligent, caring girl who I could call my own.... But it wasn't meant to be.
Over the course of several weeks (not months or years) the facade she had created for herself was coming apart at the seams; she told me she was in school, she wasnt. She told me she had a job working full time. She worked part time, and usually missed shifts often. She told me she loved me... She only loved the idea I represented, a man to show her how special she was and make her feel important when no one else will... For a time I did do this, i told her how special she was, how amazing she was, how much i loved her... and in turn she did her best to give it back, but she could never trust me.. she simply refused to let go of old habits and trust me for the guy i am, and always will be.... and so, after 8 months, I broke up with her, and shattered her (at least for a time). For you see, she was miserable, she hated her family, her life, her inability to move forward in life... and this stupid shitty town of thunder bay was restricting her from growing, and until she realized it, she would never leave. Now one might say I am taking credit where it may not be due, but i knew months in advance that unless she left this town, she'd never be able to flourish. 3 weeks after I broke up with her she moved to B.C. and I couldn't have been happier for her. She needed to get away from her horrible family, and her horrible self-defeatest attitude that they fed like an insatiable hyena, laughing while they destroy her. Now i hear the odd thing here or there about her, or a picture on facebook.... And i cant help but think if maybe i made a mistake. Should i have taken her away from here, myself included to save her? should i have simply lived with the fact that this girl who i loved could never trust anything i said and dealt with it? Or perhaps I should done more to make her see she could trust me? I dont know the answer to this, but I find myself missing her, missing what I felt that day I met her, that she was perfect.
I see now, over 2 months later, that thinking about her only hurts.... I am on the verge of losing two great friends because of this whole situation, because in her anger over my supposed "betrayal", she has slighted me to them and others in an attempt to make me the villian. I no longer know how to convince them that I broke up with her not just for my own happiness, but for her own well-being. If it took me breaking her heart (which will heal) to force her to help HEAL herself, than i'd do it a thousand times over if it meant in the end she would be happy with who she is and what she will become... I am sad these days... sad that I had to break her heart, sad that I had to let her go, and most importantly sad that I am alone again... I try to put on a brave face for those around me, telling them that I did what i had to do, or that it was inevitable. But i didnt want it to be, I PRAYED that it wouldnt be, that this girl would be with me for the rest of my life, but no matter how I tried, her distrust of me and my actions I could no longer stand... I could go on and on about how this or that didnt work, or how I miss her in my life... but i wont, ill simply state that I'm happy for her, and wish that she may find happiness in whatever journeys she partakes in during her lifetime. I see everyone around me, getting married, having kids, becoming successful, becoming ADULTS... and here I amm no different then i was 7 years ago: Alone, sad, and feeling like i'll never find some who loves me for me, and not for trivial reasons like wealth or reassurances. I write this all because I don't have any desire to physically SPEAK the words, writing it allows me to avoid admitting out loud that I hate what i have become and sometimes wish I simply wasn't alive. That's not to say i plan on offing myself, but that I feel like a failure, nearly 30; single, living at home with my mom, no drive to succeed, no will to push myself. What kind of person does that make me? I'm not sure, but I'm tired of trying to find out. In other posts I've alluded that I tend to fall for girls easily... that still remains true.. I see a nice girl, they are nice to me, I say to myself "maybe it could be more".. I'm not banking on love at first sight to win the day or some spiritual power to draw us together, because thus far if our lives are fated to a particular path, I don't see the humor in all the shit i've gone through in my life. Gawd i feel like i could simply write on here for ever.. probably write some shitty, grammatically incorrect book about how much i hate everything... Am i really this emo? lol edit: One thing I feel I need to add for my own comfort is that I'm not looking for pity or anything like that... I just want help, I need help; I've talked to councilors, and doctors, and social workers, and they couldn't help me... so I guess my question is... Who can help me, help myself? :( |
